The Vatican Announces List Of Seven New Sins: Somehow This Wasn't News In Ohio

CINCINNATI (TDB) -- Already, the European press is growing worried that Hell could run out room. The original Seven Deadly Sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. The new no-nos announced by Pope Benedict's Vatican expert on matters of penance & etc. are genetic modification, pollution, experiments on humans, causing social injustice, causing poverty, obscene wealth and drug abuse. Conservative Christians in Ohio might be surprised to learn that neither the Easter Bunny nor Mickey Mouse made the list. The Indepedent in Ireland took note of the doubling to 14 deadly sins and wonders if failing to recycle an energy-inefficient lightbulb now sends one's soul to the brimstone-filled provinces of Lucifer.

And Canada.com called it a "heavy load of thou shalt nots" but credited the Pope and his posse for trying to curb the temptation of modern times:

"So, along iwth no pining after the lithe lovely on the Stairmaster next to you, no double scoop of tiramisu, no drooling over the neighbour's new BMW 3-Series ragtop --like any of those are realistic expectations -- a good canon-law abiding Roman Catholic now has a brand new laundry list of social sins to avoid in order to fend off eternity in the flame-licked afterlife . . .

"And thus we have the transgressions of genetic modification, pollution, experiments on humans, causing social injustice, causing poverty, obscene wealth and drug abuse, bringing the total list to a heady Fourteen Deadly Sins, which would have everyone from a lab technician to an Eliot Spitzer, from a litterer to a Warren Buffet, heading straight to hell in what will be an increasingly crowded handbasket."