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Monday, March 17, 2008

The Vatican Announces List Of Seven New Sins: Somehow This Wasn't News In Ohio

CINCINNATI (TDB) -- Already, the European press is growing worried that Hell could run out room. The original Seven Deadly Sins are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. The new no-nos announced by Pope Benedict's Vatican expert on matters of penance & etc. are genetic modification, pollution, experiments on humans, causing social injustice, causing poverty, obscene wealth and drug abuse. Conservative Christians in Ohio might be surprised to learn that neither the Easter Bunny nor Mickey Mouse made the list. The Indepedent in Ireland took note of the doubling to 14 deadly sins and wonders if failing to recycle an energy-inefficient lightbulb now sends one's soul to the brimstone-filled provinces of Lucifer.

And called it a "heavy load of thou shalt nots" but credited the Pope and his posse for trying to curb the temptation of modern times:

"So, along iwth no pining after the lithe lovely on the Stairmaster next to you, no double scoop of tiramisu, no drooling over the neighbour's new BMW 3-Series ragtop --like any of those are realistic expectations -- a good canon-law abiding Roman Catholic now has a brand new laundry list of social sins to avoid in order to fend off eternity in the flame-licked afterlife . . .

"And thus we have the transgressions of genetic modification, pollution, experiments on humans, causing social injustice, causing poverty, obscene wealth and drug abuse, bringing the total list to a heady Fourteen Deadly Sins, which would have everyone from a lab technician to an Eliot Spitzer, from a litterer to a Warren Buffet, heading straight to hell in what will be an increasingly crowded handbasket."


  1. They already have a room reserved for Dick Cheney. He'll have to share a bunk with Saddam Hussein. And Saddam won't be sticking him with his pitchfork. Get what what I mean? Cheney gets a ticket to hell for environmental degradation and crimes against humanity.

  2. I am screwed on the "causing poverty" part. What's worse, it's my own!

  3. I read up on this two, but I can't seem to find the original source.

    There seems to be some question, too on the exact meaning out of the media -- "drug dealing" vs "drug abuse" vs "drug use," for example, they have VERY different meanings.

  4. What is Vatican City's carbon imprint?

  5. Queer In The City --

    The Vatican newspaper published an interview with the archbishop who runs the office of penance and whatever. I can't remember his name. Then it was picked up by Reuters. And then it went all over the place. As for drug use and drug abuse -- I guess you'll have to work that out with your confessor. Sort of like eating corned beef when St. Paddy's falls on a Lenten Friday. The church has a reputation for excelling over the centuries at locating loopholes in divine law . . .

  6. Dean --

    I wonder how much lead is in the paintings at the Sistene Chapel.